#WhatIWantYouToKnow: It all began in 2015 when my husband and I started trying for a family. I was naive to think it would be easy just like in the movies. Within two months of trying, I became pregnant. Our first check-up was normal, but at our second check-up, the doctor noticed our baby wasn’t growing. On the third check-up, our baby did not progress at all and there was no heartbeat. The doctor advised me that I was going to miscarry because I did not have a viable pregnancy. Six weeks into my pregnancy, when I was at work, I went to the bathroom and bled immensely. In that moment, my heart sank. To make matters worse, the doctor was not able to tell me why I miscarried.

We tried again in 2016. I became pregnant within a few months and this time with twins. Eight weeks into my pregnancy, I was at an event, I went to the bathroom and was bleeding again. Another doctor was not able to tell me why I miscarried twice in a row.

We tried for the third time in 2017. I was pregnant and made it the furthest along (15 weeks) and passed the first trimester, or the “safe zone.” One Saturday morning, I woke up feeling aches, went to the bathroom and my fate was sealed. I was rushed into the ER and saw our baby’s heartbeat. HOPE. My amniotic fluid was leaking too much and it wasn’t enough to save our baby. My heart was breaking into pieces as I saw my baby’s last heartbeat and it stopped right before my eyes. This third time, again no answers.

In 2018, I reached a really challenging, dark, and lonely place. I felt hopeless and hid from the world. After endless research and trying to understand infertility, I found a support group called RESOLVE, a community for women experiencing infertility. I attended a local chapter each month. I sat in a circle with a group of strangers who opened their hearts, showed raw emotions, and shared their stories. I thank RESOLVE for providing a safe space for support during one the darkest moments in my life.

After a year of isolating myself, we decided to try one last time in 2019. If it didn’t happen for us, we accepted this would be our journey. With all the leftover strength I had, I was pregnant for the fourth time. At the 20-week mark, the doctor discovered that I was beginning to dilate and my heart just couldn’t take it anymore. To help save our baby, I underwent surgery to get my cervix stitched, which would help bring this pregnancy to term. During this pregnancy, each day was filled with anxiety and fear. At 39 weeks, we welcomed our miracle: our rainbow baby, Hana.

If you’ve made it this far in my story, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you. Other women’s stories have given me hope, and I hope my story gives you hope. For those of you going through a similar journey, I see you.

Infertility can be a lonely and dark place. I share with you my favorite quote:

Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.

Jennifer B.
California