I won’t go into the specifics of all the doctor visits, blood tests, medical procedures, money spent, or all the hoping and waiting, the disappointment, and the loss. All of it led to the confirmation that I would never become a mom. How do you let go of a dream you’ve carried with you from the time you were a little girl? I don’t know if that’s possible. It’s been almost a decade since I was told this dream of being a mom would never become a reality. It’s still something I think about every day.

It feels odd to grieve so heavily for someone I never even met. Someone who never even existed except in my dreams. Modern medicine ensures that many people with infertility achieve their dream of having a family, but it cannot do that for everyone. And so every day, I wake up and choose to focus on what I have and what I can bring to this world. I love all of the children in my life. I cherish the experiences I get to share with them as they grow. I continue to develop a positive relationship with my body through a consistent yoga practice after spending so many years feeling like my body failed me. I openly share my story with the young women in my life in the hopes that they will feel empowered to advocate for fertility testing as they move towards family planning.

Most importantly, I share my story in the hopes that other women don’t ever feel alone or ashamed if they should ever walk in my shoes…even if it’s just for a few steps. I think of the legacy I hope to leave behind and understand that I don’t have to be a mom to leave one. Just because my dream of being a mom didn’t come true, it doesn’t mean I have to stop dreaming.

Sarah, H., PA

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