What you don’t know is, infertility made me better.
We struggled to conceive for six years. A lot has happened during that time. We grew up from young newlyweds to a mid-thirties couple still planning yearly honeymoons, while also multitasking work full-time and scheduling multi-day and weekly fertility clinic visits.
I learned not to lose myself in the stress and sadness infertility creates. I focused on having fun with my husband, and we focused together on growing in our faith. I didn’t always know I would or could get pregnant, but something inside of me kept me going. Instead of us looking backward at everything we hadn’t yet accomplished in getting pregnant, we kept looking ahead at what was next for us.
Looking ahead meant asking God for his continued guidance. I talked to God so much, and it helped to rid myself of all the worry and heartbreak. I didn’t want us to be responsible for making life-changing decisions all on our own. I feel often that others expect if you are struggling to have children, you must be in a depressing place. While we had our share of sadness, it made us more compassionate to others and gentler to ourselves. I had to allow myself to grieve at the start of each new cycle, but I couldn’t stay in that dark place. If I chose to stay there, I would miss out on what God was calling me to do.
What I didn’t know was, I was being called towards witnessing God’s work being done in others as well as my own. Even if I never got pregnant, I was still being led to victory. We began to feel like parents well before I got pregnant. There is a lot of parental decision-making that goes into preparing for a baby and especially in IVF. Over time, I began to be less focused on solely the immediate decision of our family unit’s existence and more focused on the long-term progression of our family’s present as well as future in Christ.
It wasn’t just about me and my husband anymore, or our baby we were trying to conceive. As a matter of fact, I was finding out it never was. I had to trust and rely entirely upon God for the resolve. Once I realized I had nothing else to give, it saved my soul. I learned to trust God, despite the outcome fitting what I wanted it to be. Our baby is a bundle, but experiencing infertility gave us a package bundled with hurdles galore and so much more.